we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
