Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
