I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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