I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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