Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
