I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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