god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
