you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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