Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i out mim tonsoeep
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