I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
