I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
