Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
this boner is exhausting
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
