You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
