quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
