please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
