I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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