Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
