I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
