Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
