he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
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