carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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