The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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