Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
