there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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