Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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