My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
