Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
