I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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