I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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