So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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