Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
