i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
