Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
