There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
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