I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
