She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
