I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
