good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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