Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
