i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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