Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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