my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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