For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
