: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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