I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
