I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I wish my penis had an off switch
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Tell her she can't have a vagina
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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