I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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