My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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