there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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