she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
